


Drowning

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-01
Updated: 2009-11-26
Packaged: 2019-01-19 06:35:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12404997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: He told her he would always hate her and that she could never be forgiven. She was pushed away, discarded. But Lily had to know why the boy who once loved her, now loathed her with every fiber of his being. L/J romance.





	1. Confusion

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

  


 

 

 

 

Hello everybody! My name is Chelsea and I have decided to try my hand at writing fanfic. following story is something I have been running over in my head, and this first chapter is just to test out the water and see how people react to This is going to be a unconventional love story, it will NOT be your typical L/J fic.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, JK Rowling is the rightful owner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This was going to be a long year. Not that I had expected anything less, given that this would be the last year of my formal schooling. But nonetheless, I felt the weight of the upcoming year begin to crush me the very moment I opened that letter. It caught me off guard. But there, hidden, along with my booklist was a note congratulating me as the new Head Girl. 

I didn’t want this responsibility. Wasn’t it bad enough that I had a horrendous year of challenging exams and sleepless nights coming up? No, now I had to put on the show of a glorified hall monitor and watch everybody else. But that wasn’t even the worst part.

No. The final nail in the coffin arrived when I read who exactly would be occupying the position of Head Boy. 

Life was so unfair. Cliche but true. Only I, could get stuck with a partner who would give me more work and trouble than was already required. The one guy who I could have gladly ignored for the rest year and not even notice, he was that irritating. 

But I knew I couldn’t dwell on this forever and eventually I would just have to suck it up and do the unthinkable.

Be polite to James Potter.

 

All around me smoke blew by leaving fumes in my face. I could hear voices all around me shouting goodbyes as they boarded the train. Faces excited to be heading off to another school year. I was the only one looking like I was off to a funeral.

"Lily, Lily! Over here!"

I spun around furtively scanning the massive crowd in back of me for the origin of the voice, knowing it would be the one bright spot in the day. Instead I felt a pair of arms grasp me around my waist pulling me into a tight grip hug. I glanced down at my best friend, Kaylee Jetts, grateful for her presence.

"Where have you been?" she demanded brushing her dark brown hair out of her eyes. Combined with her chocolate brown eyes, Kaylee never failed to grab any guys attention, if of course that was what she wanted. 

She stared at me waiting for my reply, when I realized I had zoned out on her. I was too preoccupied with my upcoming horror. "I’ve been right here, just waiting to board the train. So, how are you?" Better to keep her distracted and talking than for her to focus on me.

"Oh, I’m great. Yesterday Derek too me to one of those underground clubs in Hogsmeade. They only showcase the up and coming talent. Anyway, the lead singer was totally drunk, swaying all over the stage..." Kaylee kept up her end of the conversation quite well without needing much response from me. We finally boarded the train and flung ourselves into the first compartment we could find. But I knew it was useless. I would have to face facts sooner or later.

"And then we headed over to Liam Street...Lily? Are you even listening?" Kaylee glared at me suspecting my lack of inattention and enthusiasm.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about the meeting I have to give. You know, as the new Head Girl." I grimaced on the last two words, making them sound more like curse words.

"Oh that’s right! I forgot about that. This is great. You’ll be able to do whatever the fuck you want and get away it." Her face glowed at the possibility of broken rules.

"No I will not be able to do whatever the fuck I want! I have to follow the rules or else I will look like a total hypocrite. Besides which I will probably be so fucking exhausted every night between all our classes, homework, studying, plus now patrolling that I won’t have the energy to do anything but pass out on my bed." I finished my rant, and ended up feeling guilty for snapping at Kaylee. But I couldn’t help it. These were the same thoughts that had been running throughout my head ever since I had opened up that damn letter.

"Okay, whatever, I just thought..." But she trailed off not wanting to trigger another outburst from me. I fidgeted in my seat.

"No, I’m sorry. I didn’t expect to be made Head Girl. And I definitely did not expect Potter to be given the title of Head Boy. But I guess it won’t be so bad, at least I can give out detentions and take away points whenever someone pisses me off." But even this small advantage did not lift my mood.

"Hmm, Potter as Head Boy. Yeah I never would have thought that either. But it won’t be that bad. He’s gotten better lately and he ain’t all that bad to look at either." Kaylee giggled, as was her customary response when it came to talking about boys.

I sighed, knowing I could not put this off any longer. "I’m going to go look for Potter. It probably won’t be that hard to find him. If you find one of his other annoying friends you’re sure to find the others. So, while I’m gone behave, okay?" Kaylee had a way of finding trouble, especially when it came to boys.

"Have fun, and give Sirius a kiss for me." She laughed loudly at some memory of hers and blushed to emphasize the point. I rolled my eyes, not wanting to get into _that_ conversation right now. 

I slid open the compartment door, and began my search for Potter. 

......................................................................................................................................................

 

 

It wasn’t hard to find him. All one would have to do was follow the raucous laughter erupting from the last compartment at the end of the train. I paused outside the door, not wanting to interrupt and fighting the urge to run back to Kaylee. But I knew I was acting like a coward.

I pushed open the door gently but the clanking of the metal announced my arrival before I even stepped foot in the door. Three of its occupants looked up from their game of Exploding Snap with only a hint of interest. Only James did not bother to glance at the intrusion.

Sirius smiled mockingly from his seat. He was conventionally gorgeous, his long black hair falling freely in his face. But his personality was an entirely different matter. Always the player, Sirius had a permanent case of wandering eye, always wandering over to his current girlfriend’s best friend. "To what do we owe the great pleasure of your company, Evans?" His eyes roamed my face heading south before going back up to my face again. I could feel my face flush with anger but instead of responding I focused my vision back on James. He still had not looked up from his cards, seeming to stare at them intently. 

"Um, James, I think we should gather up the Prefects and you know, give that meeting." I stood there looking stupid as James spoke to his cards.

"That’s fine. Just give me five minutes and I’ll be in the middle compartment." He shuffled his cards, and looked away, almost seeming like he looking anywhere but my direction. 

Remus gave me a rueful look, but Sirius face grew into a more pronounced smirk as he stared up into my face. The uncomfortable silence grew and I realized I should have left two minutes ago. Lost for words, I made my way out the compartment and down the hall rounding up as many Prefects as I could find. But all the while my mind raced. What was with Potter? He used to ask me out a three times a week and now he couldn’t even look at me. I wondered if I had done something unconsciously to tick him off, other than reject his advances. I shook my head feeling ridiculous. What did I care if James ignored me or not? Wouldn’t it be easier that way?

Yes, yes it would. 

.....................................................................................................................................

"So then, he slowly pulled down my bra strap, kissing me as he went..." Labored breathing surrounded Kaylee as she divulged the details of her latest conquest, Derek Mitchell, to our other roommates. The other girls loved her stories as they usually ended up with some poor guy left in a room, with no wallet or clothes to speak of. Kaylee was so predictable.

It was almost one in the morning and I still wasn’t any closer to sleep. I tried to block out Kaylee’s disturbingly explicit details and tried to close my eyes but my thoughts kept drifting back to earlier in the day.

Potter had been even more distant during our meeting, never once looking into my eyes or even saying one word to me. I wasn’t used to this cold indifferent treatment of his and it made me more paranoid. The meeting had lasted about ten minutes and at the end James had rushed out faster than anyone else. At dinner he sat the very furthest he could from me. I couldn’t help sneaking glances at him. His face was rigid not smiling once. It was only when I had cornered him after dinner to discuss patrol shifts that he acknowledged me.

"Potter, hey, stop walking I need to ask you something". I half-ran after him as he once again strode away from me in the opposite direction. His walking slowed and with what looked like a very deliberate sigh he turned around to face me.

"Yes Evans?" He looked down at me warily, his hazel eyes guarded behind his glasses. But suddenly I couldn’t form a sentence. I was too preoccupied with his intent stare. Over the summer he shot up another foot and his lips were set into a hard line against his mouth. I shook my head trying to clear away my muddled thoughts while his stare slowly turned into a glare.

"Did you need something Evans? If not, I’ll be on my way." He started to turn around before I could get out my first word out. 

"I just wanted to see what you wanted to do about patrolling. You know, about shifts. We should probably make it so we meet at a certain point and then just patrol a certain portion of the castle." I watched his face as I spoke. He looked thoughtful.

"No, I think we should split up the patrol areas. You do one section of the castle and I’ll do the other. We’ll cover more ground this way." He looked satisfied with this solution and once again turned to leave. But I wasn’t done.

"I think we are supposed to patrol together. Safety in numbers right?" I trailed off, disturbed the hostility that was rolling off his body towards me.

"Since when do you care about something you are "supposed" to do? Look, I don’t want to patrol anymore than I have to and I don’t want to spend any more time with you than I have to. Now if you don’t mind I am going to bed." His face twisted in anger, as he once again turned to leave. But I couldn’t help myself. I called after him, glancing around to see if there were any other students around. There weren’t.

"What the fuck is your problem? I haven’t seen you in three months and you’re acting like a total jackass. If you have a problem with me then just say so, don’t keep running away from me." As I spoke I felt my anger spiking. I hadn’t done anything wrong and here I was being treated like crap.

His eyes flashed with anger. "You know what my fucking problem is? You. Always have been and always will be. So please leave me the fuck alone. I don’t want to talk to you, patrol with you or even fucking look at you. You got your wish okay? I’m leaving you alone, just what you wanted a couple years ago." Before I could say a another word he strode away from me, leaving me in an extremely confused state.

I rolled over in my bed, absorbing the silence, Kaylee had finally shut up. A million thoughts buzzed in my head. Since when did James Potter hate me? And why? 

I knew it shouldn’t have bothered me. He was right. A couple of years ago when he had kept asking me out I had wanted nothing more than for him to leave me alone. But I didn’t want him to hate me. I didn’t know what to do. He had made it perfectly clear that he didn’t want anything to with me. So I guess now I would grant his wish and leave him alone. I sighed.

This was going to be a long year. 


	2. Hurt

  


Thank you to all who reviewed! It means so much to me that you took the time to read my story and I hope you will enjoy this next chapter!

It was just as I suspected. Piles of homework grew before my very eyes, the same eyes now rimmed with red from a plethora of sleepless nights. I did my best to keep up, crossing days off my calendar as we approached the winter holidays. In some ways, time had gone by quicker than I realized.

But it also had dragged on relentlessly.

Despite nearly three months of partnership due to Head duties, James remained as cold and indifferent as that first confusing encounter. He never spoke to me more than bare minimum and even when he did he never quite fully looked me in the eyes. At mealtimes he still sat as far away as possible and despite my initial reservations we patrolled separately. I still didn’t know what to make of it, but I ignored him the best I could.

But my best was not good enough.

The truth was I still possessed a burning curiosity concerning James’ newfound hatred of me. A curiosity barely contained whenever Kaylee caught me sneaking glances at James, which unfortunately for me was a little too often. But Kaylee misread these glances in the completely opposite manner, which lead to the worst case of twenty questions ever.

“You like him, don’t you?” Kaylee laughed at the idea of me liking James due to my past stubbornness with the subject. I tried vainly to squash Kaylee’s interest, for I still hadn’t divulged the details about James’ disdain for me. I still wanted to see if I could find out the reason behind it before I told her.

“Oh come on, no one would blame you if you suddenly decided you like Potter. He seems a lot more mature lately and when you add that to the fact that he’s good-looking, you’ve got yourself a package deal. I bet he even still likes you, and he stopped asking you out so you could finally stop being annoyed with him. You’ve been spending so much time together. This was bound to happen” Kaylee remained thoughtful as she analyzed the imaginary scenario. Nobody knew that James and I patrolled separately. Well, James’ friends probably knew, but I hadn’t told anyone. What would I even say? “Oh yeah, James and I don’t patrol together because for some reason he thinks I’m the scum of the Earth.” I winced mentally at the thoughts swirling in my head. Kaylee was still blathering on and I couldn’t take any more of her nonsensical babbling.

“Kaylee, could you please drop it? I do not like Potter, he does not like me. End of story.” I knew my eyes would give away more information than was necessary, so instead I stared down at the twelve inch essay I was supposedly working on. I scratched out a few sentences but I could still feel Kaylee’s eyes burning a hole into my head. I sighed.

“What Kaylee?”

“I’m just trying to figure this out. I mean I catch you all the time staring at the guy, you don’t want to talk about him, and usually defensiveness is the first sign a person likes somebody. And yet you sit here in front of me, claiming otherwise. It makes no sense.” Kaylee did look confused as she spoke.

Denial was my best option if I wanted to keep the truth suppressed. “I do not stare at him _all the time_. Now if you don’t mind I would really like to finish this essay before dawn.” I said the words with finality but Kaylee wasn’t about to let it go.

“Why are being so resistant?” She leaned in closer to me, almost as if she thought her close proximity would shake my resolve.

“Why are you being so _per_ sistant?” I countered quickly hoping to ward off another attack.

Kaylee shook her head. “I just thought you liked him and that if you did, you know, you should go for it. You haven’t been a date in ages and I thought it would make you happy.”

I smiled. Kaylee really did have my best interests at heart. Too bad she didn’t know James seemed ready to murder me if I came even one step closer that was absolutely necessary.

“Well, I’m sorry Kaylee, that just isn’t the case. Don’t worry about me. I think I can live if I don’t have a boyfriend.” I tried to laugh it off nonchalantly, but the truth was I _was_ lonely. Lonely because even though I had friends and family, I really hadn’t ever found a guy worth establishing a relationship with. I did want a boyfriend, someone who understood me in a way no one else did. But it appeared a boyfriend just wasn’t in my future.

I slammed my book shut, startling Kaylee in the process. Done with her inquisition she had taken up daydreaming. I glanced down at my watch. “I’ve got to go Kaylee, my patrolling shift starts in ten minutes.” Another night of wandering the halls alone searching for invisible misfits.

“Okay, well I guess I’ll see you later.” Kaylee gathered her belongings and started to leave, but a new thought occurred to her. “Hey, when’s that essay due anyways?”

“Tomorrow.” Which considering I hadn’t finished just meant another sleepless night for me. Oh well, what was one more?

“Shit, I thought it was due Friday.” She grimaced and I knew at least one person would be keeping me company tonight. I laughed.

“It’s okay Kaylee, I’ll help you with it later when I’m done patrolling.” She smiled brightly at me and left the library. I realized I needed to leave too.

Time to for another pointless hour of my life.

......................................................................................................................................................

Wandering the hall, I thought about what it would be like to patrol with a partner. Not James, I already knew what that would be like. More silence and glares. But somebody I could actually talk to, pass the time.

I didn’t get much of a chance to ponder the fantasy when I suddenly heard a deafening crash at the end of hall. I froze knowing I should go check it out, but I didn’t feel very brave being alone. I heard someone stumbling around and this strengthened my resolve. Just an errant student out past curfew. I strode down the hall prepared to deliver a detention.

What I didn’t prepare for was Sirius Black sneaking out of the suspicious room trying and failing to appear inconspicious. I paused, wondering what was the best way to deal with this. But before I could even get a chance to formulate a game plan, Sirius noticed he had company. A smile curled at the edges of his lips and he looked like he was fighting laughter.

“Well, hello Evans. Fancy meeting you here.” He flashed his dazzling smile, which thankfully did not seem to have the same intoxicating effect it had on the other hundreds of female students.

“What are doing here? It’s past curfew, you should be in the dormitory.” I was suddenly delighted by the opportunity to put Sirius in his place.

“What are you going to do? Give me a detention?” His body shook with laughter as if he doubted my authority.

But suddenly I realized a better opportunity had been bestowed upon me. If there was anybody who knew why James hated me, other than James himself, it would be his best friend. I slowly took my time formulating a come back, not wanting to appear too eager to learn the reason behind James’ hatred.

“I’ll make you a deal Black. I won’t give you a detention if you tell me why James hates me so much.” I watched his face. Whatever Sirius was expecting it was not that. Oddly enough he appeared conflicted as if he knew exactly what I wanted but seemed unwilling or unable to tell me the truth.

“No deal. I don’t get involved in other lovers quarrels. You’ll have to uncover that mystery on your own. But to be honest, I don’t know why James hates you quite so much, well except for the obvious.” He rolled his eyes as if to emphasize his point.

“What are you talking about Black? I didn’t do anything to him.” This was ridiculous. I was being persecuted for no good reason.

“You didn’t do anything to him? Oh I guess humiliating him every time he asked you out wasn’t anything.” Sirius’ face contorted into a sneer. I rushed to defend myself.

“That was years ago, and even after he stopped asking me out he was still polite to me. Now he acts like I personally killed his dog or something. I know you aren’t telling me something. So what the hell is Potter’s problem?” I was determined to know the answer even if it was something horrible.

But to no avail. Sirius just shook his head. “Sorry love, you’re on your own here. If James wanted you to know he would have told you.” Too little too late, Sirius realized he let a bit too much slip. He hurried to change the subject. “So, when’s my detention?” But I was too absorbed by the present situation.

“So you do know something then? Why won’t you just tell me? Please?” I tried to my best to plead with him, using my eyes. That usually worked. Not this time. Sirius seemed determined to end this conversation. His voice took on a harsher tone.

“Why do care so much Evans, it’s not as if you like the guy or something. Just leave him alone. You’ve done more than enough.” And with that he turned to leave but stopped halfway. “Oh what about my detention?” But I wasn’t even listening anymore. My mind was clogged with emotion. What the hell had I done to deserve such hatred? I realized Sirius was still standing there.

“Forget the detention Black, just don’t let me catch you here again.” I failed miserably at sounding stern. But I knew if I wanted to maintain my composure I had to get away from him quickly.

“Thanks Evans, you’re a sweetheart. Well, not really, but thanks anyways.” With one last smile, Sirius turned and left, leaving me not only confused but deeply upset. I realized it was a good thing I had my essay to work on tonight.

There was no way in hell I could have slept even if I wanted to.

......................................................................................................................................................

I woke up the next morning feeling awful. Between finishing my essay, Kaylee’s essay, and two hours of sleep, I felt like my head was ready to explode. I knew I looked horrendous too, but there was only so much makeup could do when you felt like shit.

The day wasn’t shaping up to be promising either. Classes were becoming increasingly brutal. On top of turning in the infamous essay, we were given a pop quiz which no one had studied for. I cursed the day internally as I guessed the answer on every single question.

Lunch was a quiet affair as I stabbed my pot roast viciously and Kaylee seemed reluctant to question my vile attitude. By the time Potions came around I was in one of the worst moods I had felt in a long time. But I knew if I could just suck it up for one more hour I would be free for the rest day. The thought cheered me slightly as Kaylee and I trudged down to Potions. It was Kaylee’s worst subject and the only reason she ever passed was because she constantly peeked over me shoulder to copy what I was doing. But I didn’t care. Kaylee was my only friend in the class.

The classroom was quiet as we waited for Slughorn to arrive. Nothing was written on the board so we had no idea what horror was in store for us. A couple of minutes passed and when Kaylee appeared absorbed by Tom King’s antics at the back of the class I peeked a glance at James and Sirius sitting at a lab table in the front of the class. The two of them appeared to be in the middle of an intense conversation or was it argument? They were talking too softly for me to make any words.

The classroom door opened abruptly and ended James’ and Sirius’ heated debate. But James’ face glowed mutinously as he turned his face towards the front of the room. I shivered but I wasn’t sure if it was from the cold in the dungeon or the look on James’ face.

Slughorn quickly called the class to attention. “Good day everyone. Now I know we have been working on some more advanced potions lately and I think all of you have been handling the work load very well. Well today is no exception. In a few minutes we will be....”

I couldn’t help myself. My lack of sleep made it very easy to drown out Slughorn’s voice. It was a good thing I was one of his favorites. He never called me on my inattention. I tried to refocus.

“...So after you add the lacewings, stir twice, and let it sit for twenty minutes. This task requires a bit more work than usual so I will pair you up. Now then...” The professor droned on more.

Next to me I felt Kaylee brighten with the prospect of working with me. It was the same thing as me working alone so I didn’t really mind.

“And Miss Jetts, please go sit next to Mr. King.” A giggle escaped Kaylee’s lips as she quickly left to sit with her new partner a.k.a. new conquest. I laughed quietly to myself but suddenly I noticed Slughorn staring at me.

“Well now, how about we pair up the Head Boy and Head Girl? You two should make a good team.” He chuckled to himself as if something had occurred to him. But then he was off assigning more partners.

I felt a thrill of dread course throughout my body. Work next to Potter, the guy who hated my guts for some reason, for an entire hour? I quickly debated in my head the idea of feigning sickness but I realized that would look deliberate.

This day just kept getting better.

Sirius rose from his place next to Potter to make way for me. I didn’t miss the smirk he threw in my direction. I rolled my eyes and sat down, staring straight ahead. Slughorn finally finished his pairings and indicated we should begin. But I didn’t know what to do.

Fortunately for me, James had already left the table to gather the ingredients necessary leaving me to sort out my scrambled thoughts. I didn’t even notice when he sat back down, the slamming down of bottles on the table announced his return. I flipped open the textbook wanting something to look at other than him. Behind me, several rows back ,I heard a high pitch giggle from Kaylee. I was glad _she_ was having such a good time while I burned in hell up front.

I was about to ask Potter is he wanted to add the ingredients or stir when he suddenly spoke. “Do you want to get started or did you want to sit there while I do all the work?” The sharpness in his voice that accompanied his glare would have normally fazed me but instead I felt a wave of anger.

“Look I don’t want to be here anymore than you do. But for an hour can you please pretend to act human so we both don’t end up failing this lab?” I meant for this to come out angrier but my voice faltered towards the end. James didn’t say anything, but the way he slammed down the bottle he was holding indicated he didn’t want to play along.

I sighed knowing it was pointless. I didn’t want to give him another excuse to lash out at me, so I quickly picked up a knife and began chopping up some pickled roots. But this only kept my hands busy and I couldn’t help myself. I peeked at the corner of my eye but quickly glanced away when I saw the expression on his face. The words “If looks could kill” floated to the forefront of my mind.

Thirty minutes later a bubbling potion sat in front of us and we sat in strained silence while one of us occasionally stirred the cauldron. I sat there wondering if I should say something, anything to break the silence. What if I said I was sorry? I didn’t like the idea of apologizing for something I didn’t know about, but I also didn’t want to spend the next six months of the school year avoiding James.

“Um, James?” Ugh. I hated how meek my voice sounded. But maybe if I sounded pitiful it would soften him.

“What?” Nope still cold as ice and he still wouldn’t look at me.

“I, um, know that you don’t want to talk to me, but um, I just wanted...” As I neared the apology, I felt myself begin to doubt it would work. He didn’t look very forgiving at the moment.

“What the fuck do you _want_ Evans?” His sneer grew taunting but I forced myself to go on. Might as well finish what I started.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you hate me.” I knew it wasn’t the best apology ever but at least I knew I had tried.

But apparently this wasn’t the best route to go. James was shaking with anger.

“You’re sorry, for _whatever_ you’ve done? Why the hell are you even bothering to apologize if you don’t even know what you did wrong? You can’t be sorry if you don’t know, and I can’t believe you would even try. Why can’t you just leave me the fuck alone?” And although he had kept his voice down with success, he couldn’t help slamming his fist on the creaky lab table.

I would have been more shocked if I hadn’t felt a scorching pain on my left arm. I gasped as I realized our potion had turned over as result of James’ fist, and the rest of the potion was making its way slowly down the remainder of my body. Pain was suddenly all I was able to comprehend as I gasped out loud. In the course of two seconds James’ face that which had just been twisted in anger, was abruptly filled with agony. He jumped out to and pulled me away from the lab table. I heard Slughorn shouting.

“What happened? Miss Evans are you alright? Mr. Potter take her to the hospital wing now before the potion spreads any further.” Slughorn’s voice boomed over all the other frantic voices. I could hear Kaylee’s high pitched squeal.

I was barely aware of what was going on, but I found myself not caring. I was in too much pain.

I just wanted it to end.

......................................................................................................................................................

The cool sheets felt like heaven against my raging skin. It was a couple hours later and I was still in the hospital wing. I didn’t remember much of what had transpired but I could still remember the details leading up to my accident. The look on James’ face as he lashed out at me, his fist upending our potion, it was all too clear.

I opened my eyes and saw the dusk sunlight streaming through the windows. I pulled back the curtain further and saw the nurse glance up in my direction.

“Oh Miss Evans, how are you feeling? Are you in any pain?” The nurse’s calm, kind face soothed my frazzled nerves.

“I’m fine, just a little disoriented.” I wasn’t in any _physical_ pain anyways.

“That’s good to hear dear. Now you should get some more rest.” A knock on the door interrupted her. She went to go answer it. She stood at door with the person.

“I guess you can see her, but make it quick, you don’t want to overwhelm her.” The nurse turned to me. “Miss Evans you have a visitor.”

I sighed quietly to myself. I wasn’t ready to face Kaylee’s frantic behavior. I propped myself onto one of my pillows and braced myself.

But instead a much taller figure entered the room. I felt like an electric jolt ran through my body.

James came to sit down next to my bed. The nurse went back to her desk unaware that I was almost hyperventilating. I turned my head to look at him and for the first time in three months he looked me in the eyes.

His eyes were filled with a new emotion I hadn’t seen in months. Remorse.

“Lily I am so sorry about today with the potion. That was very stupid of me. I never meant to hurt you, you have to believe me.” Every word rang with sincerity as I took in his apology. As upset as I was with him, I had never believed he had meant to physically hurt me. I could see him reading my reaction.

“It’s okay, I know you didn’t hurt me on purpose. I guess we just let our emotions get the best of us.” I trailed off, not knowing what to say.

James seemed relieved as I gave him my forgiveness. He fidgeted with a corner of my blanket. After another awkward minute, he suddenly rose.

“Well, I hope you feel better.” He turned to leave. But I wasn’t ready to let him leave. This was the most vulnerable I had seen him in months.

“Wait, James, I’m sorry too. I’m sorry about getting you so upset earlier. I guess I shouldn’t have tried.” I watched his face turn into a blank stare.

“You’re right you shouldn’t have tried.” He paused at the door, glancing at the nurse who was absorbed in her paperwork. He turned the knob on the door.

“This doesn’t change anything between us. I’m sorry I hurt you but I can’t be around you, so please, please, leave me alone.”

And with that, James left, closing the door noisily behind him, leaving me with the strong urge to cry.

I sat there, knowing I couldn’t leave him alone.

Not until I knew why he couldn’t be around me.

AN: Thank you, and please review!


	3. Questions

  


 

 I just want to thank everybody who reviewed and it means a lot to me. Enjoy this next chapter!

 

There was only one thing on my mind these days. The approaching holidays. The winter break was finally upon me and I couldn’t be more grateful. Of course there was still plenty of homework but at least I would get a chance to sleep between essays for once.

To say the holidays were the only thing on my mind would be considered lying. No, my other preoccupation was indeed eating me alive. It wasn’t healthy, but try as I might to forget, James’ hatred was still one of those prominent thoughts in my head.

Bu that was all it was: a thought. After my stint in the hospital I promised myself I _would_ find out the reason behind James’ behavior. I worked it all out in my head. I would question his friends relentlessly, follow them whenever I could, maybe even attempt to track down James and get him by himself.

Yes, slowly but surely, this was turning into an obsession. It was keeping me up at night, and I didn’t need another reason for lack of sleep.

My plan seemed brilliant. But there was one flaw I hadn’t been seen coming

Just when I resolved to hunt down answers, James and his friends disappeared. Not completely, they still attended classes. But after school they were no where to be found. They returned only late at night to go to bed and started the same cycle the next day. I tried vainly to find out where they might have slipped off to, asking other students, but I knew it looked suspicious if I kept asking questions.

After a whole week of the wild goose chase I gave up. I was tired of giving so much thought to the subject. Even though I didn’t want to, I knew for the sake of my sanity, I had to abandon my quest. So the guy hated me. Nobody liked everybody, right? 

Six more months. That was all I had left of school anyway. Then I would never have to look at James’ spiteful face again. In the meantime I would just throw myself even more into my studies if that was even possible.

I pulled my now stuffed suitcase off my bed. I was going home for the holidays, it was my last school holidays and I figured I should spend it with my family. Pretty soon I would be living on my own. It was hard to picture.

"Lily?" Kaylee entered the room without my noticing. That wasn’t unusual; I didn’t notice much these days anymore. Kaylee stood before me, worry lines creasing her forehead. She noticed I didn’t sleep much lately. But she just attributed that to my homework, and portions of hers.

"Lily, are you sure you want to go home for the break? You know between your sister and being alone, it won’t be that much fun." Kaylee was staying at school for the break. She claimed it was so she could have the library to herself to study, but I wasn’t fooled. With me and my other roommates gone, she could have the entire dormitory to herself. Time to create some new stories.

"I’ll be fine Kaylee. Maybe if I am alone I can finally finish my homework. I figure it might be easier to do that if I’m not finishing yours too." I smiled teasing her, she wasn’t handling the workload well. "And besides you don’t need me hanging around, you’ll be in the library the whole time, right? You won’t even notice I’m gone." 

Her face flushed and she laughed. "Okay, I just wanted to make sure that you actually wanted to go, and you know, you weren’t trying to get away from something....or _somebody_." She spoke quietly at the end so I wasn’t sure if she meant for me to hear the last part of her sentence.

I froze. I still hadn’t told Kaylee about James. I didn’t want her blowing anything out of proportion and I didn’t want to have to listen to her theories on the matter. Apparently Kaylee was more observant than I gave her credit for though. I scrambled to turn the conversation back into neutral territory.

"Don’t worry about me Kaylee. I’m a big girl. I’m almost finished packing, but I’m going to grab some food from the kitchens to take with me. Do you want anything?"

"No, I’m good, I think I’m going to take a nap though. I’ve been missing out on my precious beauty sleep. Damn homework is keeping me up at night." Kaylee winked and left, presumably to find someone to accompany her while she "napped".

I chuckled, partially jealous of Kaylee’s carefree attitude. I threw the last of my belongings under my bed and headed out of the dormitory to procure something to eat during my trip. 

Most of the students were still in their dormitory, doing last minute packing, so the hallways were virtually empty. It was a peaceful sound, silence. I smiled to myself, and I felt my mood shift slightly. 

But when I heard low voices issuing out of one of the abandoned classrooms, I knew something was up. I paused wondering if I should go inside and check it out. No one should have been in that room. But then I heard the familiar voice of Sirius Black.

I glanced around to make sure there were no other students nearby. Quietly, I pressed my ear to the door. The voices grew louder.

"I just don’t understand why you don’t go home for the holidays, Prongs. Get away from here, sleep in your own bed. You could use a break." Sirius seemed to be pleading with someone. Question was who? I didn’t know anybody with the name Prongs.

"I already told you, Sirius, I want to stay here. It will be the first time in months I will be able to walk down these halls and not have to worry about running into Evans. She’s going home for the holidays and besides there’s no reason for me to go home. It’s not like there’s anybody to go home to." And that was when I knew. James was arguing with Sirius.

James’ voice startled me. But I quickly rewound what I heard in my head. He was staying here because he knew I wasn’t going to be here? 

"This is getting ridiculous, mate. I don’t see why you just don’t tell her. It’s not like things can get any worse and you..." Sirius suddenly stopped talking and I panicked. Did they know I was standing there on the other side of the door? I held my breath just in case. But then I heard James speak.

"Are you insane? Tell her? Have you lost your mind Sirius? I just have to wait six more months and then I’ll never have to see her again. Then we can forget this ever happened." James sounded angrier than I had ever heard him. Well apart from that day in Potions. I flinched at the internal memory.

"But don’t you think she deserves to know? It’s her life too." Sirius sounded grim and I couldn’t stop the emotions from flooding through me. What was this secret?

"I know it’s her life too, and that’s exactly why I’m doing this. It’s better this way." James’ voice turned flat and it sounded like the conversation was nearing the end. But I couldn’t pull myself away from the door.

"I guess it’s your decision mate, but I still think you should tell her." I could hear Sirius pull back the chair he must have been sitting on. I heard James sigh.

"I know you do, but trust me, it won’t help. It’ll just make things harder." James sounded final.

I knew I only had a minute to get away from the door. As quietly as I could I crept away, but I hid behind a corner to watch them go out of the room.

Seconds later, the door opened with James and Sirius striding out of the classroom. Both looked lost in thought as they walked down the hall together.

A minute later I realized I was still holding my breath. I exhaled slowly, my mind throbbing again with the curiosity I had so badly wanted to squash. But for the first time, I was a little scared. Whatever this secret was it sounded ominous for me. But I agreed with Sirius; I had a right to know what was going on.

I knew there was only one thing I could do right now. I would stay at school for the holidays. I knew James would be furious when he found out, but then again what would it matter?

He already hated me, didn’t he?

......................................................................................................................................................

I went back to the dormitory to write a note to my mother, telling her that I couldn’t leave school due to my studies. I felt a twinge of guilt, but I shoved it to the side. After a few rambling sentences, I tried my best to convey a sense of stress in my note, but I wished her a happy holiday. I sent the note off and went back to my room. Ignoring my feelings of unease, I began to unpack. But that only kept me busy for a few minutes. 

Kaylee wasn’t back from her "nap" yet and I just wasn’t in the mood for homework. I flopped down on my bed and reached down for one of Kaylee’s fashion magazines, preparing to distract myself with the latest spring collection. But my body had other plans.

At some point I fell asleep on my bed but I wished I hadn’t. My dreams were more vivid than usual, colors swirling and nobody in my dream was making any sense. I woke with a start a few minutes later, my breathing uneven. I wiped the sweat off my forehead and looked around.

Kaylee was sitting on her bed, flipping through the same magazine I had let drop to the floor. She looked totally relaxed and happy. Again, a tiny bit of jealousy crept though my body. I hadn’t felt at peace for months now. I struggled against my heavy blanket to talk to her.

She heard me sit up and looked over. "It’s about time you got some sleep. I was worried you were going to drop dead one of these days from exhaustion." She paused, and I wondered what was on her mind. "So, um, you want to tell me why your suitcase is empty and your clothes are all put away?" She glanced at the bare suitcase sitting in the corner.

I paused, debating in my head, how much to tell her. I decided for my sake, not too much. "I was just thinking about what you said earlier and you were right. I’m just going to crash here during the holidays. It’ll probably be better this way. I can get more work done and spend more time with you."

Kaylee scrutinized my expression, but I kept my face perfectly blank. She smiled when she could read nothing wrong. Her face brightened. "Oh, that’s great Lily! We’ll have fun I promise. And don’t worry I won’t spend that much time in the library." She giggled and I gave a sigh of relief. 

I felt bad about lying to Kaylee but I would make it up to her. I might even let her drag me shopping during our break.

But first I owed it to myself to uncover James’ secret. I wouldn’t give him a choice like Sirius had. I _would_ make him tell me. This needed to end. 

I just hoped he didn’t leave the school when he found out I was staying here as well. 

......................................................................................................................................................

It was the first day of the holidays. And today was the day I was finally going to get some of my questions answered. I had never been more focused on anything. Or more anxious about anything. But first I had to find James. And I needed to be alone.

It wasn’t hard to shake off Kaylee for the day when I reminded her she still had two essays she needed to plan out and write. She pouted, but I reasoned with her. If she got them done now she wouldn’t have to worry about them for the rest of the break. She struggled to argue with me but even she could see the logic in my words. So I left Kaylee in the room with piles of books scattered around her and headed out to accomplish my mission.

Without the usual hordes of students the school took on an eerie aura. I thought for sure it would be easy to track down James. How hard could it be to find one person when only about twenty of us had stayed behind?

Turns out a lot it was a lot harder than I would have imagined. James was nowhere to be seen and I felt a growing sense of paranoia. I wondered if he had found out I hadn’t left the school after all and he decided to leave in response. I hoped this wasn’t the case.

I checked everywhere in the school I thought he could possibly be, when I decided maybe he had wandered outside. It was lightly snowing on the grounds and it looked a storybook picture. I glanced out a window, and walked towards the entrance door, pulling my jacket closer to me. I stepped out into the snow, inhaling the fresh clean mountain scent, and scanned the nearby grounds.

And that was when I saw him. James was walking towards the forest that bordered the edge of the school. He paused at the heart of the entrance and he seemed to be struggling with himself internally. He glanced around, his eyes falling on my still figure. He froze and I felt my face flush with awareness. His eyes narrowed, his face taking on a terrifying expression. But I wouldn’t let myself back down now. 

I made my legs carry myself over to where he was standing, stopping just inches away from him. His face flickered with shock but I ignored it. I was about to speak when he cut me off.

"What the hell are you doing here? I thought you went home for the holidays." James scowled angrily at me, attempting to scare me off I assumed. Apparently he had not heard I was staying at the school. His face twisted into an angrier expression but I refused to be intimidated by him. 

"I changed my mind and I’m staying here on holiday. What are _you_ doing here, about to walk into the forest? You know that it’s off limits." Ugh, I still sounded like the Head Girl, worried about rules.

He just stared, his expression incredulous. "Is there some reason you are following me? Is there some reason you just can’t see to comprehend the words "leave me the fuck alone?"

I figured honesty would be the policy here. I twisted my hands nervously behind my back. "Yes, in fact there is. I want to know what you are keeping from me. And don’t try to deny it. I heard you and Sirius arguing yesterday about me. What does Sirius think I have a right to know?" My words came out in a rush but I knew I had to get them out. James rolled his eyes in response but stepped closer toso that he toward over me. With what looked like extreme concentration, he spoke slowly, like he was controlling every word.

"Why the hell would I tell you anything? It doesn’t concern you. Now I am going to say this for the last time. Leave. Me. The. Fuck. Alone." He started to walk away, towards the forest.

"Wait!" I reached out and caught the sleeve of his jacket. In a flash, he whirled around and yanked his arm away as if I had burned him. 

"Don’t fucking touch me!" His breathing was ragged and his eyes were murderous. I debated whether or not I was brave enough to stay there. I decided to push my luck.

"I’m not leaving until you I get some answers. So either you are going to tell me right now or I am just going to follow you around the rest of the school year until you do. And don’t think I won’t. I’m not as scared of you as you think." I watched his face turn a deeper shade of red. It was several moments before he spoke again.

To my surprise, he laughed quietly to himself. He glanced at my bewildered expression and sighed.

"I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried so hard to keep you away but it seems like the harder I try, the harder you push back." He paused and he looked unsure of himself.

I held my breath, waiting for him to continue. He finally looked me in the eyes and spoke, his words shaking with anger and a bit of uneasiness.

"Fine, since it’s obvious you aren’t going to leave me alone until I tell you, I might as well get it over with." I waited for him to finish but he stepped closer to me instead.

His face took on a tortured expression but he grabbed for my hand. My heart stopped from the contact. "I’ll tell you what you want to know. But you have to follow me first." His eyes glanced in the direction of the forest.

I felt panic claw at my insides. Go into the forest alone with a guy who hated me? But I realized this was a one time offer. And I couldn’t refuse.

I half-smiled at him. "Lead the way." James shook his head in disbelief but nonetheless started walking. I struggled to keep up with him, a million thoughts colliding together in my head.

I was finally going to get my questions answered. But a new, bigger question arose.

Did I really want to know the answers?

 

AN: Thank you, and if you spare a minute please leave a review. Any and all feedback is appreciated!  



	4. Answers

 

Hello again! Before you begin reading I just wanted to take a second to thank everyone that has reviewed this story. Your words mean everything to me and without them I could never find the motivation to keep writing. I also want to thank anyone who has put my story on their alert list. It means so much to me that you are eagerly awaiting the next chapter! Well, here is the eagerly anticipated next chapter. I hope you will enjoy it. This story is just getting started and I hope you will stay with me during this journey! So once again, enjoy, and don't forget to review!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Blood was pounding in my head as I followed closely behind James in the forest. Suddenly I was aware of every sound and scent that enveloped the two of us as we headed deeper and deeper into uknown terrritory. Well, unknown for me, it appeared James knew exactly where he was going.

 

He didn't speak to me, but every so often he would spare a backwards glance at my face, his eyes sweeping my expression. I was sure he was checking for signs that I was scared, signs that I would run away. It took all my concentration to keep my face blank as we trudged further and further along. At some point I realized I should have told Kaylee about James' behavior. That way if I didn't come back to the dormitory later, she would know something was wrong. Well, it was too late now. I gave a tiny sigh and decided to break the silence.

 

“Are we almost there yet?” My feet throbbed as we crunched against fallen limbs and leaves. James stopped abruptly and I almost ended up colliding into him. 

 

“Do you want to go back?” James gazed into my eyes intently, sensing my eyes would give me away if I lied. 

 

“No! I just, um, wondered if we had much longer to go.” I gazed just as intently back into his eyes and was surprised to feel my heart flutter when he gave me a half-smile.

 

“It's not too long now. Just a couple more minutes.” And with that, he turned his back on me, seeming to walk even faster than before. I took a deep breath and raced to keep up with him.

 

About ten minutes later James started slowing down and I felt my stomach lurch with the prospect that loomed ahead. Again he suddenly stopped, indictaing we had arrived at our destination. I glanced at our surroundings. I felt my eyes widen.

 

It was beautiful; mature trees swayed lightly in the breeze, snow falling gently on the ground. Icicles hung above our heads like pointed daggers and I would have been more in awe if it weren't for the present situation.

 

I stood in the clearing gulping down the icy air, trying to calm my erratic heart down. James crossed away from me, putting as much space as possible between us. I took an unsteady sep towards him, but he shook his head and held up his hand.

 

“No, stay there please. This is hard enough as it is.” His face mirrored that of sorrow and he turned his head from me so that I couldn't see his expression. 

 

I obeyed him, freezing into place just watching him. He stayed still for a long moment, steadying himself and then he sat down on one of the nearby tree trunks.

 

I copied his movements, still watching him from my place just in case this was a trap. We sat in silence for several moments and I began to feel agitated. I did not just hike ten miles into the forest to sit in silence. I wanted answers. 

 

James finally looked up from his spot on the ground and his face looked suspiciously blank. And with clear eyes and a steady voice he spoke.

“I know you must feel very uncomfortable sitting there now after the way I've treated you. I guess first I should apologize for my atrocious behavior these past few months. I know I treated you horribly and I am sorry about that.” He glanced away, leaving me impatient. I wasn't concerned about his past behavior but more curious about the _reason_ behind it.

 

“It's been very hard for me to act that way. But that's all it ever was: acting. That's one of main things I want you to understand, I _need_ you to understand. If you don't want to know or hear anything else from what I tell you today, that's fine. But I need you to know that I don't hate you. I never have and never could. Pretending to despise you is something that I will never forgive myself for.” He did indeed appear ashamed by this confession. I sat there, gawking like an idiot, my head spinning the words over and over in my head. I could only come to one conclusion. I was still confused. And angry. Very angry. I took time gathering my thoughts and finally spoke.

 

“So let me get this straight. You treat me like the scum of the Earth for more than three months, yelling at me, never once looking in my direction, and then you turn around and tell me you were acting? Well, bravo, you should win an award. You were quite convincing.” I didn't fell any better by ranting but I didn't want to sit in silence either.

 

“Lily, I...” But it was still my turn.

 

“No, I'm not done yet. Just answer me this one thing. Do you actually expect me to feel sorry for you? To feel bad that you ignored me and yelled at me?” I watched his face freeze into a pained expression. 

 

“I know my actions were inexcusable. I am just hoping you will listen to the motivations behind the actions. Believe me, it pained me to put you in this emotional pain and I don't expect for you to turn around and forgive me. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if, after today, you never speak to me again.” He spoke quietly but firmly and I couldn't think of anything else to say. I nodded my head as a sign for him to continue.

 

James took a deep breath and stood from where he was sitting. Slowly but surely he walked closer to me stopping so that he was right in front of me. My heart thudded in my chest and he kneeled down and I unconsiously leaned closer. His voice was quiet, rough from emotion.

 

“This nightmare started this past summer. It was just after we finished school for the year and I went home for the holidays just like every other year. Sirius was with me, he lives with me during the holidays because he ran away from home a couple of years ago. Anyway, when we got to my house that first day, nobody was home. We didn't think much of it because both my parents work for the Ministry and usually come home late at night.

 

“But when they didn't come home that night or the next morning I knew something was wrong. They hadn't left a note or sent one. I started to worry, but Sirius told me I was acting paranoid. So I waited. Two more days went by and I couldn't stand it anymore. I went to the Ministry, to their offices and found them empty. I tracked down their coworkers and asked about their whereabouts. Nobody could tell me anything except that they hadn't heard from my parents in the last couple days either. I couldn't believe no one had attempted to track me down and tell me. Their boss told me to go and not to worry, that sometimes their job required them to travel without alerting anyone.

 

“I swallowed their excuses because I knew if I allowed myself to dwell on it, I would literally drive myself crazy. I left the Ministry and went back home and waited.” James broke off, his voice thick with unidentifiable emotion and I felt of a surge of unexplicable sorrow in my veins. Somehow I knew the ending to this story wasn't a happy one.

 

After a couple of moments of recollecting himself, James began speaking again. “Two days after I went to the Ministry I received a note from their offices requesting my presence. And there I sat in that same boss' office as he told me they had received confirmation of my parents passing. Apparently while on assignment for the Ministry they had been abducted and allegedly tortured for information on the inside workings of the Ministry. The perpetrators held them for three days before deciding they had no use for them. They killed them and left their bodies in an abandoned house.

 

“I remember sitting in that office, shaking with anger as they told all of this to me. I remembered screaming at them, demanding to know how they could have let this tragedy happen. Nothing they said could alleviate the pain I felt at that moment. My parents were the only family I had left, and now they were gone too.

 

“Then to make matter worse, I found out who exactly did this to my parents. These weren't just random criminals wanting information on the Ministry. No, these were Death Eaters, hunting down anyone and everyone who could possibly give them the upper hand when it came to taking over our society. They were henchmen, acting on orders from Voldermort. And seeing as how my parents made it publicly clear they wanted nothing to do with the darker part of society, Voldermort made them a priority. After all, we are the one of the only living pureblood families left. I believe that the Death Eaters that kidnapped my parents offered to let them live if they joined Voldermort but they knew they couldn't. It went against everything they ever believed in. And so they died, died standing up for what they fought against all their lives .”

 

James looked away at this point, I suspected to make sure I couldn't see the tears that had started forming when he neared the end of the story. But as sad as I felt for James and his situation, I still didn't understand what this had to do with _me_. I was about to question him on this aspect when he looked back at me, eyes clear and he spoke again, his voice steady.

 

“As I'm sure you are aware from reading the papers, Death Eaters are ruthless. They will take any person's weakness and use it against them, whether it be a personal weakness, their love for their family or their love for somebody else. I knew my parents died in part to protect me and I hated their sacrifice but knew if I was in their place I would have done the same thing. But I also knew I never wanted to put someone else in that same position. To have someone sacrifice their life for me or have someone taken hostage as a ruse to get to me.

 

“After my parents died, I tried my best to cut myself from everyone. I shut myself in my now empty house and refused pleas from my friends to come out. I sank deeper into depression before I realized I couldn't throw my parent's sacrifice down the drain. I couldn't stay inside and hide while others died. I knew I had to live and fight. I had to live, I had to experience things first hand and if I thought things were getting to dangerous I would distance myself again. I warned my frineds that if I even _suspected_ of danger I would cut off all contact. Sirius and Remus thought I was acting too noble and they tried to minimalize the danger, but they didn't argue with me. As the summer started to end I began to feel a little bit better, more like myself.

 

“But then I opened that school letter labeling me as Head Boy and you as Head Girl. I panicked at the thought of spending so much time with you. I felt that I was making you a very easy target given the way I already felt about you. I knew if I allowed myself to spend time with you, I was inevitably making you an even larger target than you already were. I was afraid if I spent more time with you I would develop even stronger feelings for you and if I was lucky, or unlucky as you might view, you might eventually develop feelings for me. That thought alone scared me. I wasn't selfish enough to spend time with you. I valued your life more. So I did what I thought was best at the time. I vowed to ignore you, even resort to cruel behavior if I thought it would keep you away. Anything that would make you stay away. I figured it was only a matter of time before the Death Eaters sought me out and I wasn't going to give them any sort of leverage to use over me.”

 

He chuckled to himself as he thought of something.

 

“What I hadn't counted on was your curiousity. I assumed that once I blew you off, acted cold towards you, you would leave me alone in return, ignore me. I was arrogant enough to assume your reactions. But like I said earlier to you, it seemed like the harder I tried to push you away, the harder I tried to keep you out of danger, the more you sought out the reason behind me behavior. I didn't understand your curiousity at first. After all, you never did seem to pay much attention to me and I thought you might actually like it better if you thought I was leaving you alone once and for all. But apparently my new behavior was too extreme for you to ignore. In a way I regre not acting more subtly. Perhaps if I had, we would not be sitting here right now.

 

“Sirus tried several times, as you heard, to convince me to let you know what was going on. He thought that you were actually interested in my well-being. But I was too scared of what might happen. I thought that by telling you, it might somehow endanger your future.” He stopped talking and sat there looking thoughtful. I was in shock.

 

It was too much. This information was so overwhelming. But it all made sense somehow. I knew everything he was telling me right now was the truth, I could see it in his eyes. I couldn't believe he had cared so much for me. Back when he used to ask me out all the time, I just attributed that to puppy love, a fleeting phase. But looking at the man who sat in front of me now, I realized it was more. Much more. And that made me scared in its own way.

 

I knew he waiting for me to say something, anything but I was lost for words. My brain was too clogged to process anything at the moment. I spoke slowly letting my words take on a deeper meaning.

 

“James, I don't know what to say. I guess I don't blame you for your motivations but I wish you had trusted me enough to tell me the truth. Here I was thinking all these months I had done something horrible to you and you were just trying to protect me. I spent so many nights in my bed, tossing and turning unable to think of a sin so worthy of your hate. You are right about one thing though. If you had been more subtle about it, I probably would have never given it a second chance.” I ran out of steam because I was suddenly lost for words. It struck me then, that both James and I had had the same reaction when it came to reading our new Head letters. Both of us had been horrified, but for two very different reasons.

 

James stared at me and I knew he was going to start talking again. “I'm not going to lie to you Lily. If I could go back and do it over again, I still wouldn't tell you truth. Honestly I feel panicked at the thought of you knowing now. But I am sorry that I inflicted the emotional pain.”

 

I was uneasy with the thought of making him feel guilty. “Don't stress over it James, I mean yeah, I was up a few nights thinking about it but I feel better now that I know the truth. Now you don't have to put on such an elaborate show in front of everyone. Things can go back to normal.” I was going to say more but suddenly James jumped up from where he was sitting. He looked furious.

 

“No! Don't you understand? Haven't you been listening to anything I just said? Things cannot go back to the way they were. I can't afford to let you be near me and you of all people shouldn't want to be near me.” He huffed angrily and I was reminded of his past anger these past few months. But I wasn't going to let him stress himself out to death by worrying about me.

 

“James, it is not your duty to protect me. I am allowed to decide for myself who I do and do not want to be near. I understand your concern but honestly I would rather enjoy these last few months here at school than constantly wonder what is going on with you.” I said this with as much strength as I could and I saw his expression crumble. We stared at each other in silence for a few moments before he spoke again

 

“I knew I shouldn't have you told you anything. This was a mistake. I guess it's too late for that now.” He glanced up at the darkening sky; we had been here in the clearing longer than I thought.

 

“We should get going. It's getting late.” He held out his hand for me to take but I just stared at him. 

 

“So is this how it is going to be from now on James? We're just going to walk on eggshells for the next six months because you're too afraid something _might_ happen? You're going to pretend to despise me when deep down you still have feelings for me? That isn't healthy either.” I wanted him to see my side, even for just a minute. He smiled at me.

 

“Honestly, I thought you would value your life more than you would appreciate my feelings for you. I thought after I told you all of this, you would thank me and you might actually come to your senses and leave me alone. Besides you never were exactly open to the idea of us being together in any kind of sense.” He smirked as I realized that he alluding to the possibility of me liking him. 

 

“Well, I never said we had to make your real feelings public. I just don't want you straining yourself to put on such a performance every time you're near me.” 

 

“Oh, are you giving me permission to secretly pine for you? Um, hate to break it to you Evans but I've been doing that for that past few months. Don't worry about it, I'm used to locking away my feelings and throwing away the key.” He gave me a sad smile and I felt the urge to reach up and touch his face. My stomach flip flopped uneasily. It took me a moment that to realize that I was experiencing that stomach full of butterflies feeling. It was a new sensation for me. I hurried to explain myself.

 

“That's not what I meant. Why can't we spend time together privately? I know the truth now and you probably do feel better about that even if you don't want to admit it. We could still be friends, and no one would have to know. Besides I think you're growing on me.” I smiled up at him watching his eyes grow brighter as listened to my little slip up.

 

“Are you now? Hmm, you never seem to have the reaction I expect. Here I was thinking you would run away from me the moment I told you truth, the moment the danger became present and here you are persuading me to spend time with you. I never thought I would see the day whe Lily Evans would be asking me to spend time with her, let alone secretly.” He chuckled to himself. And I felt myself blush. 

 

“You don't have to if you don't want to. I just thought that if we spent time together you would realize that there was no really no danger.” I knew my logic was backwards but I knew deep down that I didn't want to let him walk away from me. Not now. Not ever.

 

He shook his head. “No, as long as you are with me, there will always be danger.” I stubbornly argued with him.

 

“Can't we at least try? If it gets to be too much, we'll stop seeing each other.” I tried my best to reason with him.

 

James looked like he was debating two exteme ideas in his head. But finally he seemed to reach a conclusion. “Before I answer you, I want to know one thing.” I couldn't imagine what it could be.

 

“What do you want to know?” I tried vainly to fugure out what he could have possibly wanted to know.

 

“If we start spending time together secretly, and we grow closer, are you going to be able to walk away from me if this gets to be too dangerous? I do not want you risking your life for me. I do not want to live with the guilt of knowing something happened to you because of me.” He spoke with strong emotion, and it seemed like he was not just talking about the present situation, but the future too.

 

I thought about his question. Would I be able to walk away and leave him? I knew myself well enough to know that if I even grew the littlest bit attached to him, there was no way I could or would just walk away. And I had a strong suspicion that if I did continue to meet him secretly, I would grow very attached to him.

 

In fact, if I was being honest with myself I could see myself fallling for him. I had seen back that then when he used to ask me out. I had refused him at the time, due to his maturity issues. But that wasn't the only reason.

 

No, I had refused him because I was scared. I barely knew how to deal with my _own_ problems at the time and I just couldn't imagine putting myself in a vulnerable position to get hurt. I didn't know how I could deal with another persons problems on top of my own. So I pushed him away at the time for both our sakes.

 

But here we were years later and just when I was ready to open myself up, he was closing up. But I decided to be greedy. If friendship was the only thing I could have from him, I would take it. So I decided to lie.

 

“Yes, I promise you. If things get to be too dangerous, I will walk away.” I kept my eyes as neutral as I could to keep him from suspecting my dishonesty. He pondered my response but nontheless spoke.

 

“And you'll never look back?” He eyed me warily as if he were expecting to catch me off guard with the seriousness of the query.

 

I felt my stomach twist into a million pieces. My voice came out as a whisper. “Yes, never” I closed my eyes, unable to look into his face. I felt guilty for lying, but my selfish side won over, enabling me to lie to him.

 

But when I opened my eyes, I found his face just inches away from me, his lips very close to mine. He spoke.

 

“That's good to know.”

 

And that's when he moved closer.

AN: Well there you go! But this story is far from over and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please, please review! I love hearing from each and every one of you.

 


	5. Secrets

 

 

AN" Thanks again to those who reviewed. Enjoy this chapter! 

 

I couldn't move. Not when James stood so close. I inhaled his musty scent and found myself closing my eyes again in response to the situation. I could feel his shallow, uneven breathing fan across my cheek. My heart thudded violently in chest but I felt more alive than I had in months. It was an exhilirating feeling. Blood pooled in my cheeks and I felt my face burn. 

 

I opened my eyes again and was shocked to see James standing a foot away from me, his back turned. Immediately I felt rejected, an irrational response, but nonetheless I was confused. I ached to know why he moved away.

 

“James? Are you okay?” He shook his head to answer but turned back to me, giving me a rueful look.

 

“No I'm sorry Lily. I just got caught up in the moment. I've been avoiding you all these months and it just felt so surreal for you to finally know the truth. Forgive me.”

 

I didn't want to forgive him. I wanted him to come stand next to me again, but I promised myself I would behave. After all, I could see the pain this situation was causing him, and I had no right to make this any harder than it already was.

 

“Of course James. There's nothing to forgive.” I walked slowly towards where he was standing. He gave me a small smile in response.

 

“Thank you.” Once again, he looked up at the now almost black sky. “We really should get going. Kaylee is probably wondering where you went to.”

 

Damn, I had forgotten about Kaylee. I felt a pang of unease as I remembered that I had left her alone all day by herself with piles of homework. A thought occurred to me.

 

“James, do you mind if I tell Kaylee about us, you know, being friends? I just figure it might be easier if I told her, instead of lying to her all the time. I don't want her to worry about me.” I watched his face as he thought about my question.

 

“Well, I don't want you to lie to your best friend all the time either. But for now, can we just keep this between us? I don't want to involve more people than we have to.”

 

I pouted. I would have really liked to have been able to gossip with Kaylee. For once I would have had an interesting story to tell her, make her hang onto my every word. But I could also understand his side and so I agreed.

 

“Okay, that's fine. But are you going to tell Sirius that you told me the truth?” I figured he would since Sirius was the one who had urged him all along to tell me the truth. But once again, I was shocked to him shake his head.

 

“No, the less people that know, the better. It will be much easier to keep this a secret if we just go on pretending nothing happened today.” James rolled his eyes. “Nothing _should_ have happened but it's too late for that now.”

 

I suddenly remembered a question I had meant to ask him earlier. “James why were going into the forest today in the first place?” It seemed like that had been his plan earlier that day before he had factored me in.

 

James watched me and I could sense he felt my curiousity still lingering. “Sometimes I go into the forest to think. I usually come to this spot because it's natural and untouched by human forces. It was really magnificent during the fall time with all the leaves changing colors. Now it looks frozen in time. But sometimes that's just what I need. A place where no one can find me. A place where I don't have to put on a show for everyone and pretend to be something I'm not. I can just be me. Today is the six month anniversary of my parents death and I was feeling especially vulnerable. I wanted to reflect on my life. ”

 

His words were so sincere and I knew at that moment he was right. It _was_ a beautiful location, romantic almost. It was a place nature had created as a paradise for those who came across it.

 

James held out his hand to me and I knew it was time to start walking back. Kaylee would be freaking out by now. But I needed to know something first.

 

“When can we come back here?” When can we sneak back here, was what I actually thought, unsettled by the anxious feeling that crept into my stomach. It was quite ludicrous. After all, we weren't doing anything wrong, techincally. But the more we spoke of keeping secrets from those we were closest to, the more it felt like we were having some sort of tawdry affair. But if this was the only way we could have any kind of contact I would take it for as long as James allowed it.

 

“We haven't even left yet and you're wondering about when we can come back?” He laughed, amused by my relunctance to leave. He gave my question mock serious consideration. “I guess we should wait at least until... tomorrow.” He winked at me, and my heart felt lighter than it had in months.

 

It was settled then.

 

We would meet again tomorrow.

 

And hopefully the day after that as well. And every day that we could.

 

…..................................................................................................................................................................

 

I wasn't surprised to find Kaylee sitting on my bed, half-heartdly flipping though one of her tattered old textbooks. The minute I stepped into room, she was all over me. But on the walk back I had braced myself for her attack, ready to answer as many questions as I could with as many carefully constructed lies as I could dream up. 

 

During our trip back to the school, I asked James what he thought was best to tell Kaylee but he insisted I knew her better and therefore I would know what she would and wouldn't believe. I had a sneaking suspicion that James just really didn't have a clue and instead was resorting to flattery. But I supposed that was okay, especially since he had held my hand all the way back, until we reached the school that is. The minute we crossed the threshold, he dropped my hand as it were contaminated, but I ignored his attitude. I knew better now.

 

James glanced around to make sure nobody was near us and leaned down to whisper in my ear. “I will see you tomorrow.” He gave me a warm smile and I longed to brush the hair out of his eyes.

 

“You promise?” I felt silly, as if I were trying to trap him with words, but he smirked instead. 

“Of course.” And with that, he strode away from me in the opposite direction, never once looking back.

 

And now I stood here in my room with Kaylee after one of the most confusing and interesting days of my life. But problem was, I couldn't tell her.

 

“Lily, where the hell have you been? I got so bored I actually wrote all of my essays and finished that worksheet Slughorn gave us.” She shuddered at the thought of doing more homework than was necessary.

 

I decided if I looked remorseful I had a better chance of sliding one past her. I gave her a tiny frown.

 

“I'm sorry Kaylee, I was up in the library all day looking up Disarming Spells for when we get back to class. I never did quite get the hang of it and knowing my luck, they'll be on the finals.” It was quite easy to lie when part of it was the truth. But Kaylee was far from done with her queries.

 

“So it took you the whole day? Come on Lily, what else did you do? There's no way in hell you would sit in the library all day.”

 

“Well, I also took a walk around the lake if you must know and then after that I ate lunch and then I went back to the library. That's it Kaylee, honestly. It's not like there's a ton of stuff to do around here. So, um, did you eat dinner yet?” I wanted to change the subject as quickly as possible.

 

“Actually, no I didn't.” She glanced down at her watch. “Shit, where did the time go? I guess I should go eat, are you coming?”

 

“No I already ate.” Another lie, but I wasn't hungry either. My stomach was too topsy turvy at the moment. “You go on ahead. I think I'm just going to get ready for bed. It's been a long day.” Finally a bit of truth. I smiled at her, encouraging her to leave.

 

“Okay, I won't be long. After doing all that homework I'm super tired. My brain feels like it's ready to implode.” Kaylee stood up and walked towards the door, sparing me one last glance before heading out. I had a feeling she didn't totally believe me but I think she was happier if she swallowed my stories rather than dig deeper.

 

Immediately I felt better as if I was labeled “innocent” at a murder trial. I took a deep breath and a wave of giddyness flowed over me. I knew the truth now and I finally felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

 

I just hoped James didn't have some sort of noble epiphany and change his mind about us.

 

…..................................................................................................................................................................

 

The next day dawned bright and cold. I shivered violently as I reached down for my terry clothed robe under my bed. Next to me Kaylee remained snuggled up in her blankets snoring quietly. 

 

By the time Kaylee had come back from dinner last night, I had already put myself to bed, in fear of more questions from her. I heard her sigh when she entered the room but nonetheless she went to her own bed soon after. I could sense her disappointment and knew she would pester me tomorrow but I would try to ward her off the best I could.

 

For the first time in more than three months I had slept well. Better than well, I had slept _great_. I didn't dream, which was unusual for me, but I didn't really mind. Sometimes my dreams were scarier than real life.

 

I stretched my arms and legs and found myself absolutely freezing in the chilly December air. I thought back to the previous day and was suddenly energized. I couldn't wait for what today had in store.

 

Maybe it was the possibilty of exploring the unknown that made me anxious, but I all I knew was I wanted to see James again. I wanted to talk to him, ask him questions. I knew I shouldn't be as excited as I was. It was inappropriate. But it was the first time in my life that I was doing something that was considered taboo. In fact, some people might have felt I was putting myself in danger. But oddly enough I felt safe with James.

 

After a quick shower and a quick note telling Kaylee I was going to be at breakfast, I headed down to the Great Hall. I entered and made a quick sweep of the room with my eyes. I felt my stomach drop.

 

Nobody was there. But then again it _was_ early and it was vacation. People would be sleeping in, possibly even skipping breakfast all together. A few minutes passed and still no one came in. I wondered how James was going to react today after he had a whole night to sleep on the situation. 

 

I sat down at one of the long empty tables and slowly stirred some sugar into a cup of tea. I wasn't hungry anymore. I let the tea grow cold and I felt my concentration slipping. My thoughts wandered back to the previous day and I marveled at how much I had learned last night.

 

I was still pondering these thoughts when I felt something flutter down in front of my face. It took me by surprise and I jumped out of my seat.

 

It was a note and as I looked up I saw a tawny owl flying away, out an open window. I frowned. I wasn't expecting any mail and I was hoping this wasn't a guilt note from my mother, pleading with me to change my mind and come home for Christmas, which was still two days away. I opened the letter. Inside the message was brief.

 

“Tonight. 11 pm. Same place. J.” 

 

So apparently James had not changed his mind during the night. The prospect of seeing him again, in that same clearing, excited me. I stuffed the note into my pocket and I felt a wide smile breaking out across my face but suddenly I realized I wasn't alone anymore. I heard someone clear their throat.

 

“Well, well, don't we look happy today?” Sirius slid into a chair opposite of me and a lazy grin filled his face. “Now what could have brought on this sudden change?.” He paused, thinking to himself. 

 

“I don't think I've seen you smile once this whole year. Hmm, did you finally get laid Evans? I know that would make _me_ happy.” He laughed loudly at his theories and I felt my mood sour. I was glad Sirius had thought James should tell me the truth but that didn't make up for his personality. I snapped at him.

 

“What the fuck do you want Black?” I found it odd, that after all of this, now Sirius didn't know the truth about what was going on, but that didn't make me feel any more inclined to him than usual.

 

"I don't want anything from you Evans. I jwas trying to figure out why you looked so happy, that's all.” He grabbed for a piece of toast and munched loudly on it as he stared at me. It made feel uncomfortable, like I was lying to another person. Which I was, but lying to Sirius shouldn't have bothered me.

 

“It's vacation and it's almost Christmas. That's why I am happy.” I knew it was pretty much the lamest excuse in the book, but I couldn't think of anything else that would sound plausible.

 

Sirius looked skeptical. “Really? I didn't peg you as the holiday cheer type.” I hurried to elaborate.

 

“Well I'm sorry to disappoint you.” I was going to say more but I felt someone pull out the chair next to me. 

 

“Hi Sirius, how are you? You look good this morning” Kaylee plopped herself down right next to me and I internally groaned. I didn't want to be subjected to gooey flirting. But I was grateful for the distraction Kaylee provided. It worked as Sirius shifted his eyes from mine to Kaylee's, her eyelashes all a flutter. I stifled a laugh. I guess Kaylee wanted some attention now that the  majority of the guys had gone home for the holidays.

 

“I'm _very_ good this morning, thank you for asking Kaylee.” Sirius smiled at her, showing off his perfect white teeth. Kaylee giggled but unfortunately turned her attention onto me.

 

“So Lily, what are we doing today? You still owe me for yesterday, leaving me alone all day.” She paused in between bites of her bagel and between glances at Sirius who was still smiling at her.

 

I couldn't think of anything to do and was about to say as much, when Sirius interrupted me. “What was so important yesterday Evans, that you left Kaylee all by herself?” He took the opportunity to wink at her but turned his head back to me, almost as if he were waiting for me to lie.

 

“I was in the library all day. I was studying.” I tried to sound as blunt as possible in an attempt to throw him off, but he wasn't fooled either. Apparently nobody believed I could, or would, spend the whole day in the library studying.

 

“Really? What an odd way to spend your winter holiday. If it was me I would be be out and about. Enjoying the scenery.” He stared at me and it made me squirm in my seat. Even if James hadn't told Sirius, was there a possibilty he still knew, or suspected?

 

“Well, I'm not you Sirius and thank god for that. “ I rolled my eyes and looked back at Kaylee. “I don't know Kaylee, you want to go shopping in Hogsmeade or something? I guess I could pick up a few more last minute Christmas gifts.”

 

Kaylee's face lit up. “Sure, that sounds great. Let me just finish eating and I'll go grab my purse. We can go to...” And she was off listing all the shops we just _had_ to visit. I smiled triumphant and knew that it would be easy to kill time until eleven.

 

Sirius continued to occasionally stare at me throughout the rest of breakfast but I didn't care.

 

He didn't know anything for a fact and if James wasn't going to tell him anything, then I sure as hell wasn't.

 

…..................................................................................................................................................................

 

I was exhausted. Kaylee had dragged me throught the entire village, stopping at nearly every single shop. We must have spent hours looking at clothes, makeup, and jewelry before she finally decided she really couldn't afford to spend any more money. 

 

It was dinner time when we got back but my stomach was too queasy for me to eat much. I sat there while Kaylee stuffed herself silly, and I thought of various ways to sneak out of the dormitory later that night.

 

We finished dinner and went up to the common room for awhile. We mainly played with cards and watched the fire roar. After about an hour, I yawned pointedly in Kaylee's direction.

 

“I think I'm going to call it a night, Kaylee, I'm beat.” She threw me a shocked glance.

 

“It's only 10:30.”

 

“Yeah, I know Kaylee, but I'm tired, you wore me out.” I gave her an apologetic grin and she laughed.

 

“Okay, okay. We did do a lot of shopping today. Um, I guess I will go to bed too. Not much else to do around here at night.” We went up to our room and she darted towards her bed. I went into the bathroom and a minute later I turned on the shower

 

The shower clamed my frazzled nerves and I stepped out a few minutes later feeling refreshed. I ran a comb through my hair and looked in the mirror. Good enough I decided. 

 

I quickly put some clothes under my pajamas and crawled into bed. If I hadn't been so anxious to sneak out I probably would have fallen asleep. Kaylee got up and went to take a shower as well.

 

About fifteen minutes later, Kaylee came back into the room after her shower, her hair dripping wet from the water. I heard her plop down in her bed. I waited. Sure enough, a couple minutes later, Kaylee's quiet snoring filled the room.

 

This was my chance. Quietly I climbed out of bed, careful not to trip over anything. I made it out into the school and down the hallways. I had never felt more paraniod in my life. I was sure that any minute now I was going to get caught.

 

But I made it, unnoticed, onto the school grounds. It was still cold outside but it wasn't as windy. I glanced around and made my way towards the entrance of the forest.

 

He wasn't there. I knew it was eleven but he wasn't there. I stood there, shivering and wondering what I should do. A minute passed and I began to feel annoyed. And disappointed. 

 

I was about to turn around and leave when suddenly I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist. I surpressed the urge to scream but I did jump and broke free of the persons arms. I whirled around to find James looking down at me and smirking.

 

I huffed impatiently. “You're late.”

 

James shook his head. “No, I'm not. I'm right on time. You must have been early. I guess you were a bit anxious.” His smirk grew wider.

 

I blushed, but knew he couldn't see it in the near darkness we stood in.

 

James chuckled and reached down to grab my hand again. I felt sparks in our brief contact as he spoke.

 

“Let's go.” He started to walk back into the forest with me in hand.

 

I didn't know what he had planned for us.

 

But I knew at that moment I didn't care.

 

I just wanted to be with him.

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AN: Thanks for reading! Please review. Your reviews are what what motivate me to update so quickly and I love reading them!


	6. One Step Back

Hello again! Thanks to all who reviewed. Please review again, this is a pivotal chapter! Enjoy  
 

  


Before I knew it, the holidays were disappearing and vacation was coming to an end. Time had went so fast and I still had a mountain of neglected homework looming on my already cluttered desk.  My other roomates started to arrive the night before classes began and Kaylee kept them occupied while my thoughts wandered.

 

During the last couple of days James and I had met in the same clearing where he had first confided in me.  It hadn't been easy trying to sneak away from Kaylee at night and I was running out of excuses as to why I needed to go to bed early every night. 

 

Nothing monumental had occurred during our last meeting times. I simply listened while James spoke, he had a lot to say, most of it very interesting. But sometimes it was more interesting to watch his face when he spoke. Whenever he spoke of a topic with great passion, his eyes glowed and his smile lit up the surrounding area. I always felt my heartbeat quicken when his appearance pleased me, but I stifled whatever feelings were trying to escape.

 

It was irrational to think this way! I didn't like James, not in the romantic sense at least. I never had and why all the sudden did I feel this way?  

 

Not good.

 

I knew that if I ever had a chance of keeping my promise to James I would have to slowly wean myself from him or run the risk of growing too attached. 

 

It was late at night and I was returning from the forest again, elated by my conversation with James. I loved talking with him. I always felt safe confiding in him and I knew he would never judge me. It was a nice feeling.

 

I plunked myself down on my bed, groaning into my pillow as I thought back to my awhat had occured right after I left James in the forest fifteen minutes ago. As I roamed the hallways I realized I was starting to gert too attached to James, the very thing he didn't want. But I didn't have any idea how to make myself stay away from James, however, an opportunity had presented itself as I made my way back to my dorm to sleep.

 

 

I had been on my way to back to the dormitory when a slim figure suddenly blocked my way.  Momentairly distracted, I looked up to see the smiling blonde face of Ian Richter.

 

"Hey Lily, bad time?" He smiled nervously and I took a moment to observe his face. His anxious look marred his otherwise cute face. Not my type. Too blonde and too thin. But maybe I didn't have a type. I smiled to myself.

 

After I finished analyzing his face, I realized that I hadn't responded to Ian's query and hurried to answer.

 

"Oh hey Ian, uh, no it's not a bad time, why?" I couldn't fathom why Ian wanted to talk to me. He was a nice guy and he had been my lab partner in a couple of our Potions classes, but other than that he mainly stuck to his group of friends and I mine.

 

Ian's smile grew more nervous. "Um, well, I was just wondering if you, um, wanted to go to Hogsmeade next weekend, with me?" His last words were rushed and slurred but nonetheless I could still make them out.

 

I didn't know what to say. Ian had always struck me as the type of guy who was okay to talk with in class but outside the classroom he was a little dull around the edges. He was the type of guy you would run out of things to say to after the first ten minutes of conversation and you would end up spending the rest of the date staring at your coffee, internally cursing yourself for agreeing to the date. But an idea occured to me.

 

If I could find another guy to focus on other than James, I wouldn't have to worry about getting too attached to him. I could still be his friend but maybe now I would have a boyfriend. I deliberated for an extra second with myself, knowing I might regret this but all the while knowing it might be the best solution in the outrun.

 

And so it was with a heavy heart that I accepted Ian Richter's date.

 

..........................................................................................................................................................................

 

Kaylee was the world's worst analyzer. Upon hearing about my upcoming date, she immediately launched into question mode, asking me everything from the way Ian asked me out to what I was going to wear on our date.

 

I couldn't find the strength to fake enough of the enthusiasm needed to convince Kaylee that I was excited.  I felt a tad guilty when I thought back to the enthused face of Ian when I told him yes.

 

I shook off that feeling and wearily told Kaylee I was going to bed. I didn't want to slip up in some part of our conversation and reveal the real reason as to why I was going on this date. Afterall, Kaylee still didn't know about James and I meeting and I planned to keep it that way.

 

After a few irrtating hours of restless sleep I awoke to find the dorm empty. It was the first day back of classes and I was not looking forward to the day.  I was sure to be assigned more homework.

 

When I finished my morning routine, I headed down to the Great Hall to nibble on something real quick. I wasn't much of a breakfast person. I reached the Hall about ten minutes later only to find myself the subject of random stares and odd giggling as I passed various groups of people. By the time I passsed the other House tables I felt as if I were on center stage for some event. Passing by one cluster of girls I managed to make out the name "Ian Richter" and the dreaded word "date". Suddenly I understood. I was the newst piece of gossip, hot off the press. It was unusual feeling to say the least. I rarely did anything to make people gossip, or anything people knew about anyways.

 

I did my best to ignore them and settled into my usual seat. I glanced quickly down the table and felt my heart jump a little when I noticed James sitting a couple of seats down from me, by himself.  It was odd to see him by himself but I was pleased. I made sure no one was looking and stole a quick glance his way. But instead of seeing him glance quickly my way or smile back, I found myself on the receiving end of his signature glare.

 

Confused, I glanced around and saw that no one was around for him to put on his charade, so why was he glaring at me? Was it genuine? James glanced away for a moment but when he looked back his face twisted back into the horrible glare I remembered from the first day of school. My stomach gave an unpleasant lurch.

 

I wasn't hungry for anything at the moment and I found myself picking at my piece of toast, waiting for him to finish and leave so I could follow him.

 

I didn't have to wait long. About five minutes later James rose abruptly from his seat and headed out to the hallway. I gave him a ten second lead but nonetheless caught up with him a minute later.

 

"James, hey, wait a second." I tugged on his sleeve and pulled him into a secluded part of the corridor.

 

James didn't look pleased. "Lily, what is it?" I didn't know what was the best track to take with him. He wasn't being very open or inviting at the moment.

 

"I just wondered when we could to meet up again." I could hear the anxiousness in my voice and I wished somehow I could feel the same kind of excitement regarding Ian.

 

James paused and looked like he was carefully controlling his words when he spoke. "Hmm, I don't know. How about after your date with Richter? Or do you two have other plans to keep occupied that night afterwards?" Ian's surname and the rest of his thoughts sounded like a curse in James' mouth and I didn't know what to say. It sounded like James was jealous, but how could he be? We weren't dating and I had every right to date if I wanted to.  

 

I could sense danger in the upcoming conversation and tried to steer away from it.  "Ian and I are just going to Hogsmeade, nothing more. I just thought we could go to the forest again..."  But suddenly James cut me off.

 

"You know what Lily? This isn't a good idea. Just go on your date with Richter and just forget about meeting up with me later. You wouldn't want Ian to think you're cheating on him with me would you?  In fact we probably shouldn't meet up anymore. It wasn't a good idea in the first place." 

 

James turned around to leave and I felt a little piece inside of me break. "Wait!" I still had more to say.

 

But James wasn't hearing it. He turned to face me one final time. "No Lily, you made your choice."

 

He was right, I had. And I as watched him walk away from me and walk out of my life again, I wondered.

 

Did I make the right one?


	7. Selfish

Hello again! Here is chapter 7 and please, please review!

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It was just as I expected.

 

It was a rainy Saturday afternoon and Ian and I were sitting in a quiet cafe right inside Hogsmeade, watching other couples obliviously in love stroll past the fogged up windows. I envied them, they were so carefree.

 

Sitting across from Ian was exhausting. The effort I was making just to appear interested in his idle conversation was driving me insane. But I blamed myself. I knew this coming into it, that Ian was your typical nice guy who was a total square.  

 

My mind, so bored by Ian's ramblings, drifted over to a part where I had sworn no longer to think of. But as usual my mind was consumed with thoughts of James and his recent behavior.

 

Since our disastrous last meeting where James vowed to forget about our newly formed friendship, I had done nothing but think about him. Or maybe the word was obsessed about him. Either way I was constantly aware of my guilty conscience for pushing him away and for the part where I suspected I had started falling for him. My stomach lurched at the thought.

 

I focused my gaze back onto Ian who was apparently in the middle of a story that I had zoned out of. 

 

"...and yeah, my brothers always thought I was the favorite kid, but I don't think so. I think maybe they were just insecure. Does it ever feel that way with you and your sister?" Ian flashed his signature grin and I felt nothing. It was time to put a stop to this. I wasn't that good of an actress.

 

"Um, yeah sometimes." Quickly I tried to formulate a plan to make my escape before he could launch into another one of his stories.

 

"Ian, I had a really nice tonight, but um, I think we need to get back to school." It wasn't that late yet but it was the best thing I could come up with.

 

Ian glanced down at his watch but didn't give it much thought. "Oh ok. So can we do this again sometime? I had a great time too, you're such a good listener. I love talking to you." He looked so sweet and sincere, it took all my resolve to not tell him that I had basically ignored him for the greater portion of the date.

 

But I wasn't that cruel. "Ian, I don't think that would be such a great idea. I don't want to lead you on."

 

Ian's face twisted into a puzzled expression. "Lead me on? I don't understand. Do you not like me or do you have feelings for someone else?"

 

He was, of course, correct on both guesses. But I wasn't about to let him know that.

 

"I just don't think we really click Ian. That's all." It was nicest thing I could say without going into all the gory details of how I would rather suffer through anything else than go out with him again.

 

Ian looked disappointed. "Ah well, okay." He looked down at his watch again. "So yeah we should get back to school." And with that he abruptly stood up and for a moment I thought he was going to make a run for it. But instead waited for me to get up.

 

And we began the longest walk back to school I had ever made with Ian five steps ahead of me the entire time.

 

....................................................................................................................................

 

I couldn't sleep. It was later that night in my dorm and I was reduced to listening to my roomates snores. I didn't feel well.  I felt uneasy about the way I left things with Ian and I felt worse when I thought of what I had sacrificed. 

 

Once again my thoughts flickered to James. I missed him. It had been three days since we last talked and I wanted to be with him. Sometimes it felt like he the only person I could be myself around and I didn't have to lie or put on and act. I wondered what would happen if I told him the truth.

 

I wanted to be selfish. More than anything I wanted to run and tell James everything. To tell him of my miserably failed plot with Ian and how I tried to squash my feelings for him. 

 

Would he be angry or happy? Or worse sad when he realized that in the end I wouldn't be able to stay from him, if and when the time came.

 

It was two in the morning and my mind was wide awake.  I was tired of tossing and turning and I was tired of lying.

 

Before I thought it all the way through, I found myself out of bed and out of the dorm.  Suddenly I was at the foot of the boy's dormitory stairs when I realized what I was doing. Was I ready to push the envelope?

 

I was.

 

Quietly I made my way up the stairs, not even daring to breathe loudly. Finally I found the dorm with the 7th year boys and prodded the door gently.

 

Inside fours boys were asleep, their quiet breathing the only indicator that they were asleep. 

 

My heart thudded loudly in my chest as I found James' bed. His glasses were hanging off his nightstand, his hair rumpled from his pillow. He looked peaceful with his eyes closed, his mouth slightly open.

 

I began having second thoughts when I forced my hand onto his shoulder to wake him up. I shook him gently hoping he wasn't in the deep sleep stage yet.  Within a three seconds James turned and opened an eye only to find me standing next to his bed.

 

Right away, he sat up yanking my arm closer to the bed while simultaneously closing the curtains around us. "Lily what the hell are you doing here?" He spoke the words urgently but not harshly.  He moved over to allow me to sit on the bed with him.  I looked down at my hands while I finally said what I was feeling.

 

"I wanted to see you. " This was no time to act coy. If I was going to do this, I needed to be truthful all the way.

 

James looked perplexed. "You wanted to see me now?"

 

"Yes, I miss you. Alot."

 

I stared into his eyes before making my final decision.

 

I moved closer to him until I was inch away from his face, our breath mingling.

 

James stared right back. "I see."  And with that James closed the gap between us our lips, electricity exploding between us.

 

This was pure magic.

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Thanks for reading and don't forget to review!!!


	8. Consequences

  
 Hello again! I want to thank everybody who reviewed the last chapter. Your reviews are what inspired to write this chapter. I hope you enjoy this installment and please, as always, please review. Your reviews motivate me so much and I want to hear everything you say. Enjoy!!!

 

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My mind was blissfully blank. It was the dead of night and here I was in the boy's dormitory, kissing the boy who I had always ignored, always shunned. But I guess the joke was on me.

 

He was a really good kisser.

 

And to think of all the time I had wasted over the years turning him down.

 

I could feel my stomach twisting into a million pieces, tension building between us, and I didn't want to stop.

 

Neither did James as he shifted his body above me, his hands interlacing with mine above my head.

 

But as good as this felt, and as easy as this would have been to keep going, I knew I had to end it.

 

Gently, I broke away from James, sighing gently and smiling up into his face. He returned the smile and I had to surpress the urge to laugh out loud for fear of ruining the moment.

 

"So..." I was at a loss for words, but it almost seemed like there wasn't a need to speak. The silence between the two of us was comfortable.

 

"Well, this was a nice surprise. Next time you want to come pay me a visit make sure you're wearing less. Easier to get things started" James winked and I felt my face flush as I glanced down at my flannel pajamas, the sexiest pajamas I owned.

 

"What makes you so sure there will be a next time?" I teased him, but I could picture this happening many times.

 

James smiled and bent down again, brushing his lips gently against mine as he whispered "I just have this feeling".

 

I felt myself melting at his touch, my mind was slipping away but I fought to regain conciousness.

 

"Aren't you curious why I came up here in the first place?" His kissing had made me lose sight of why I actually snuck into the dormitory in the first place.

 

"Oh, I just assumed you came up here to have your way with me." James chuckled softly as I hit him on the shoulder, encouraged by his playful mood. It was the happiest I had seen him yet.

 

"Okay, okay, I was kidding. Well, I guess now that you mention it, why did you feel the need to interrupt my sleep?" James smiled and I stalled, not knowing how to start.

 

"Well, the thing is, I couldn't sleep. I've just been feeling so guilty lately,  because of the situation I put myself into."

 

James looked puzzled. "What situation are you talking about?"

 

"The one with Ian."

 

James' face became blank. "Oh, okay. What about it?"

 

"Well, I just wanted to tell you why I went out with him."

 

I paused, and steeled myself to continue.

 

" It's just that things between us seemed to be getting more serious, and I know you didn't want me to get involved with you too much. So when Ian asked me out I thought it would be the perfect way to put a little space between us. But I didn't know you would get so angry at me."

 

James's face took on an uncomfortable look.

 

"I'm sorry I overreated. I know I had no right to get so angry at you. I never had any claim on you. I guess I never thought about you having a dating life and it just took me by surprise. But it's okay, I understand why you did it I guess. But I'm still sorry about my behavior."

 

"It's okay James. It's a good thing you reacted the way you did. It made me realize what I really wanted."  

 

James smirked. "Which is?"

 

I smiled and leaned closer to him. "I think you know the answer to that."

 

And without another word, I found myself lin James's arms, kissing him with the most passion I'd ever experienced.

 

.................................................................................................................................................

 

Two months.

 

It had been two months since that fateful night I snuck into the boy's dormitory and told James the truth.

 

And I never regretted this desicion.

 

I was happier than I had ever felt in my life. Since that night, James and I decided to push our luck and  we came out as a couple admist the rumors and gossip. Kaylee had freaked out when she heard the news. She didn't shut up for an entire week.  But I ignored her and all the others, and focused my energy on James and our relationship.

 

There are still times when I can sense James's reluctance to tell too many people about our involvement because of his previous arguement. But I was stubborn. After all, what were the odds I would be attacked in the school because I dated James? 

 

I didn't want things to go back to the way they were. Now that James finally put down his wall, we were now patrolling together, time flying by as we talked for hours and hours about anything and everything. 

 

Dating James was effortless. He was so easy to be with and I knew I could always be myself around him.

 

I never thought it would happen here or now.

 

But I was falling in love.

 

Fast.

 

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It was a dreary night. Rain was lashing against the windows, and I was sitting in the common room alone, waiting up for James. It was the week of the full moon and I knew James wouldn't be back for a few hours since he helping Remus with his "furry little problem". 

 

Not much had changed between James's friends and I. Sirius was a little nicer to me these days, but I suspected this was due to James's doing. And Remus was still distant but I think that was his way of protecting himself and others. Regardless, on these nights, I waited for James to return and to make sure he alright. Despite what he said, I still thought running around with a werewolf at night was dangerous.

 

I glanced at the clock, it was already half past twelve. and still nothing. I sighed, tired and ready to go to bed. I thought once or twice about just heading up to bed and catching up with James later.  But I struggled to stay awake.

 

Thirty minutes later, I had had enough. I was exhausted and I knew James would understand if I went to bed. 

 

I blew out the candle next to me and trudged up the girls staircase. Thunder boomed ominously above and I shivered, thinking of the warm bed that awaited me.

 

 After undressing, I finally made it over to my bed, so exhausted I didn't even think I was going to make it.

 

I pulled back my curtain to my bed and saw that someone was already occupying it. I couldn't make out who it was and I couldn't imagine who it could be, so I lit the candle on my nightstand.

 

My eyes registered it before my brain did. But suddenly all I could see was Kaylee.

 

In my bed, the sheets soaked with blood.

 

And her eyes blank and unseeing.

 

I could hear myself screaming and my roomates rushing over to see.

 

But it was too late. 

 

Kaylee was gone.

 

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	9. Alone

Thanks to all who reviewed! Enjoy!

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White.

 

That was the first thing I saw when I opened up my eyes to find myself in an unfamiliar, uncomfortable bed. Four white walls surrounded me as I pushed myself up, struggling with the covers as I went. My head throbbed in protest while my stomach lurched violently.

 

 

Where was I?

 

 

“It's okay, you're in the hospital wing.”

 

 

Not knowing I had company, I jumped at the voice, so familiar but out of place. I swallowed and turned my head.

 

 

Sitting in a stiff chair was Sirius, looking more somber than I had ever seen him in my life. His frow burrowed, he appeared to be watching me cautiously as though expecting me to attack at any moment. I frowned, not knowing what to say, so I instead I asked the most obvious question.

 

 

“What am I doing in the hospital wing?” I watched as Sirius's face as he thought of something to tell me.

 

 

“You fainted so they brought you here. You've been out for a few hours. Do, you, um, remember anything?” He shifted in his seat, a look of uneasiness crossing his handsome features. 

 

 

I was silent. Of course, I remembered. Just because I fainted didn't mean I had forgotten finding my best friend dead, in _my_ bed. The memory flashed again in my eyes as I thought of her still body and my scream that followed. My stomach twisted again.

 

 

“Yeah I remember.” I took a deep breath. “Why are you here? Where's James?” Suddenly I felt energized. I needed to find James, talk to him, be with him. I pulled back my covers, ready to spring myself from this lurid white cell.

 

 

But Sirius stood up so quickly in response, he just about knocked me back into my bed. “No, you can't go anywhere. You couldn't even if you tried.” His head turned in the direction of the head nurse sitting by the front door. Slowly, he sank back into his seat, staring at me until I sat back down. 

 

 

Anger seared my insides. “Well, if I can't go anywheres can you please tell me what's going on?” This was ridiculous. I didn't want to lie here, making small talk with Sirius Black. I needed to move. I needed to do something, _anything_ that would keep my mind from flashing back to that awful memory.

 

 

 

He sighed. “Everybody's been evacuated to the Great Hall as they search the school. Nobody knows anything.”

 

 

“What about Kaylee?” It hurt to even hear her name spoken aloud. “Did they contact her parents?”

 

 

“Yes, her parents came earlier and took her body with them. I suppose they are making funeral arrangements now.” Sirius looked down at his hands, and then back up at me. “What about you? Are you okay?”

 

 

I closed my eyes, blocking out his face. There is nothing more that I hate in this world than the “Are you okay?” question. The question everyone feels obligated to ask but they are already know the answer to.

 

 

“Am I okay? How the fuck could I be okay? My best friend was murdered in my bed, and now I'm stuck in a hospital bed without even knowing what really happened.” I knew my little outburst was the grief talking but I couldn't help. I knew, even if nobody else would say it, that I was responsible for her death. Kaylee had been in my bed, that couldn't be a coincidence.

 

 

I was so stupid, naïve. James had tried over and over again to emphasize the danger of us being together and I was oblivious.

 

 

James.

 

 

“Where's James? I need to see him.”

 

 

Sirius's face went oddly blank. “That's not possible.”

 

 

“What are you talking about? I want to see James.”

 

 

“You can't.”

 

 

“And why the hell not?”

 

 

“He's gone Lily.”

…..................................................................................................................................................................

 

 

 

Days turned into weeks and I was still alone. After being released from the hospital I rushed straight to my dormitory convinced I had missed something. But all I saw when I got there was my bed, empty and clean. My other roomates watched me warily as I kneeled beside my bed, tears blurring my vision. Kaylee was gone forever and I would never speak to her again. My heart thudded in my throat.

 

 

I wanted James. I needed him. But according to Sirius, he had left the school after the Kaylee uproar.

 

 

That was almost three weeks ago. 

 

 

And I had not heard one word from him

 

 

Most of my days now were spent in a haze. I was torn between grieving for the only friend I had ever known and the boy who disappeared into thin air. 

 

 

Oddly enough, James's _friends_ were  alwaysaround. Since James's disappearance, Sirius and Remus were constanly around me, talking with me, attempting lame jokes, and I wasn't sure if this was out of guilt or James had told them to watch me. 

 

 

 

But I didn't try to dwell on it too much. Even though I had questioned Sirius and Remus relentlessly about James, they gave nothing away. So I accepted their new friendship without another question, grateful for some human contact as I watched the days slip by. And as the time passed I began to doubt the strength of the relationship James and I had built. How could he have left me at my lowest moment?

 

 

Standing at Kaylees' funeral a few weeks ago, without James, had been one of the worst days of my life. Watching as her body was buried, feeling at a loss for what to do. The worst part was still not knowing who had done this to her and why. I felt my sadness mold into anger as I struggled to maintain my composure. 

 

 

I thought about trying to write James a few times but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew it was time to move on.

…..................................................................................................................................................................

 

 

Unfortunately for me, school didn't pause to allow me time to grieve. The essays only got longer, the worksheets more complicated but I welcomed the distraction. More homework meant less sleep. Less sleep meant less nightmares.

 

 

My appetite had also disappeared along with my desire to sleep. I sat in the Great Hall pushing my eggs around in a circle, avoiding Sirius's disapproving gaze. Instead I watched as the post owls made their way into the dining hall. After Kaylee's death I had been forced to write a series of notes to my parents tellling them I was just fine after they had bombarded me with notes concerning my welfare. I sighed when I saw another owl flying towards me, a letter attached to its leg. 

 

 

It dropped down next to me and I took it, supressing the urge to stuff it into my bag. But it didn't feel heavy so I opened it to find only two words scrawled in James's handwriting.

 

 

“I'm sorry.”


	10. Healing

The silence was deafening.  It was the middle of the night and even though my body yearned for the sweet release sleep often brought, my mind was racing.   


I seem to be spending a great deal of my energy these days thinking about James. Not this was anything new but often times my feelings felt like they were on a rollercoaster. There were times when I missed him so much my body physically ached but it wouldn’t be long before a wave of sadness would turn into a blaze of anger.   


I was still so very angry. Angry at his desertion when I needed him the most. Angry at his brief note that did nothing to alleviate my pain.. To be fair it wasn’t always just him. More times my anger was directed at the world and the fate it had dealt me.  


But overall I still felt alone. Very alone.  And I still didn’t know how to cope with the loss of my best friend and boyfriend at the same time.  


I knew that this feeling of numbness would eventually leave, but in the meantime I lost sleep. Finally I could feel my eyes starting to close when suddenly I heard a crack in the floorboards.  


Silently I shot up from my bed, my hand curled tightly around my wand. Ever since Kaylee’s death I was suspicious of every single noise that entered our dormitory. I sucked in my breath and tentatively put my feet on the floor when a hand covered my mouth.  


Panic filled me, my first instinct was to scream, kick and bite whoever had the audacity to touch me. Struggling against the intruder I yanked my arm out of their reach only to find myself standing across from a very familiar person.  
James.  
……………………………………………………………………………………………………....  


I didn’t know what to think, what to feel. At first I wasn’t even convinced I was awake. After weeks of no communication other than the two words of apology, here he was, staring at me biting his lip.  


I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I did what felt most natural given the situation.  


I hit him. Hard.  


“Ow, what the hell?” James glared at me as he rubbed his arm. I smiled smugly hoping it left a mark.  


“What are doing here James? Are you here to say goodbye again?” And even though I knew I had every right to be angry I still felt tears pricking the corners of my eyes.  


“I came back to see you I shouldn’t even be here but I couldn’t stand the thought of one more day going by without seeing you. . But if I knew you were going to abuse me maybe I shouldn’t have bothered.” 

Although his words might have offended me I could see in his eyes that he was joking, a touch of his old smile playing across his face.  


“Why now? Has something changed?” I knew from reading the daily newspapers that the world outside school was more dangerous than ever so I couldn’t fathom why James would risk seeing me now.  


James shifted his feet uneasily. “No, nothing’s changed. I just, well I just had to see you. I know I shouldn’t have left without saying goodbye. I’m sorry.”  


I could already feel myself forgiving him, saddened to see him so burdened by the pressures of the outside world. But I wasn’t quite ready to be so vulnerable.  


 

“Well you should be sorry. I trusted you and you disappeared. I needed you.” And on the last word my voice cracked, betraying the grief I couldn’t keep bottled up any longer.  


James stepped forward pulling me into his arms as I buried my face into his chest, silent tears staining his shirt.   


There were no words for this. I was the happiest I had been in weeks but I couldn’t stop crying. After I could finally control myself, I pulled back and looked up into James’ face. The look in his eyes about took my breath away.  


“Lily, I don’t know how long how I can stay but…” I interrupted him.  


“What do you mean? You aren’t here to stay, you aren’t back for good?” Again I could feel my eyes welling up.  


“No, Lily, I can’t stay. I’m in the process of recruiting members for a defense organization. I want to be able to stop the violence that’s going on now so that you and me and everybody else can look forward to the future. I’m sorry to have gotten your hopes up. But I just wanted to see you; I don’t know when I will be able to visit you again. But before I go I wanted to tell you something.”  
I didn’t want any more lectures on why I had to stay away from him, or why I needed to stay safe in the castle. I was almost starting to wish he had never come in the first place. It would hurt so much when he left again.  


“Lily.” His hand pulled my chin up, forcing me to look at him. “I love you, and I don’t want you to forget that even though I won’t be here to tell you that everyday like I want to.”  


“You love me?” It was the first time anyone other than a family member had ever expressed such deep affection to me.   


James smiled. “Of course I do.”  He bent down and kissed me, and I let my eyes close relishing in this last moment, holding him tight as if that would prevent him from leaving.  


“I love you too.” And even though the thought of him leaving again hurt so bad, I knew I couldn’t let him walk away from him without him knowing.  


“I have to go.” James’ eyes expressed a deep regret but I didn’t want him to feel guilty for leaving me. After all, he was trying to make the world a better place for us to live in. I didn’t need him to worry about me too.  


I smiled, pulling his face closer to mine so I could kiss him lightly. “Then go, I’ll be here.” 


End file.
